There is Enough

I have often said that my patron saints are the feisty ones, the irreverent ones, the people who think deeply and compassionately about the human experience but aren’t afraid to curse a little. As far as I can tell, if we’re paying attention and telling the truth, cursing is hard to avoid. 

Nadia Bolz Weber is one of these for me. 

Nadia Bolz Weber is an ordained Lutheran Pastor, founder of House for All Sinners & Saints in Denver, CO and the author of three NYT bestselling memoirs. She writes and speaks about personal failings, recovery, grace, and faith, and identifies her target demographic to be “the fuck-ups, the impious, and the spiritual misfits.” 

On a recent episode of “You Can Do Hard Things,” Nadia (I feel like she’d want me to call her Nadia) said that she wants to write an anti-self-help book called, “You’re Not Enough.” Subtitle: “But there is Enough, and it Doesn’t Have to be You.” 

Oh, I love that. 

You’re not enough, but there is enough, and it doesn’t have to be you.

Nadia Bolz Weber

This reminded me of another concept that I heard recently on the Struggle Care podcast – y’all, I fold a lot of laundry…podcasts help – during which KC Davis interviewed River Nice, an anti-capitalist financial planner(!). They talked about how, when we live in a society where we have to pay for the fulfillment of every basic need, having those needs can feel like a threat. And so one way to care for ourselves is to find ways to get our needs met outside of the capitalist marketplace, in community, via relationships, with other human beings who also have needs.

The reason that both of these thinkers moved me has to do with something that I see every day in the way that eating disorders work, namely, the way that they precipitate and perpetuate disconnection from one’s body and others.

The Source of Disconnection

Mary Tantillo argues that there are certain risk factors that create a vulnerability to this disconnection, thereby also making an individual more susceptible to an eating disorder (which then advances the disconnection, and around and around we go). These risk factors include neglect and abuse, failed relationships and rejections, a sense of being misunderstood, and a lack of validation or acceptance (2006). 

Not surprisingly, they also include “toxic societal values that emphasize appearance, performance, control, competition, and ultraindependence” (Tantillo & Sanftner, 2010, p. 102). (Sound like any societies you know?) Margo Maine further emphasizes culture’s role in the development of eating disorders, saying, “The prevailing social pressures to devalue and detach from others also disconnect women from their own emotional, psychological, and physical needs, thereby increasing the risk of body image, self-esteem, and eating problems in a culture that idealizes that very thing, artificially sculpted women’s bodies” (2001, p. 1302).

According to Tantillo (2006), this collection of sources of disconnection work together to disconnect individuals with eating disorders from their authentic physical and emotional experiences and from other human beings while remaining connected – albeit inauthentically – to food and their illnesses. “The illness distorts cognition and experience and convinces patients to stay connected to it in order to meet their needs and avoid and/or resolve conflicts and feelings. [It] also disconnects family members from patients through its ability to…exhaust loved ones” (Tantillo, 2006, p. 86).

Of course, shame is a major contributing factor to this disconnection, eliciting the sense that one is inherently flawed and, as a result, unworthy of love, empathy, and connection. Shame removes the possibility of and hope for connection, relegating those who bear its burden to lives of “condemned isolation” (Miller, 1988), a veritable petri dish for the flourishing of an eating disorder. In fact, the experience of shame and guilt is the strongest predictor of the severity of eating disorder symptomatology (Burney and Irwin, 2000).

It can feel like a runaway train, as lack of connection increases reliance on eating disorder behaviors, which furthers disconnection. But it doesn’t have to be. 

The Power of Mutual Empathy

Relational Cultural Theory is built on the premise that, throughout the lifespan, human beings grow through and toward connection, and that we need connections to flourish. It places critical importance on relational dynamics and specifically identifies mutual empathy, mutual empowerment, and authenticity as being the foundation of growth-fostering relationships.

Mutual empathy, in particular, can provide a corrective, healing response to shame and disconnection. Mutual empathy occurs when each person in a relationship sees, knows, and feels the responsiveness of the other person. In order to heal shame, the person experiencing shame must come to believe that he or she matters and is respected and that the possibility exists of another person responding empathetically to his or her experience (Jordan, 2001). 

This can happen in therapy, as the therapist is able to model empathy for their client, remaining engaged throughout conversation and showing care and compassion for the client, even if that requires some measure of emotional vulnerability. “In that interaction,” says Judith Jordan, one of the creators of Relational-Cultural Theory, “the [client] feels that he or she has had an impact…matters personally, is relationally competent and effective, and can make a difference in this relationship” (2001, p. 99). A warm therapeutic relationship can begin to transform the client’s relational image from one of shame and disconnection to one of acceptance, empathy, and connection, thereby making growth-fostering relationships with others more likely.

But it can also happen in the context of more ordinary, organic relationships. It can happen when an individual takes a risk and says yes to an invitation, or offers an invitation of their own and feels the shift in energy that comes from imperfect humans sharing a space. It can happen when someone realizes that they have been heard, understood, and validated, or when they ask for help and receive it, both truly transformative experiences for folks who did not receive this as kids. It can happen when someone sits in a room and listens to the vulnerability of others like them, realizing that they are neither alone nor uniquely broken, but rather part of a community of big feelers, figuring out how to be human in a world that prefers to suppress, distract, and avoid. 

Same

I’m reminded of a poem by Hannah Rosenberg (@hannahrowrites on IG). Two, actually.

Same

I still haven’t figured out how to keep 
my shower floor clean or make morning
smoothies or respond to stress calmly.
Same, same, same, my friends tell me,
a love note of sorts. Maybe the world
doesn’t need us to cut down on carbs or
make more money or waste less time.
Maybe instead it needs us to reach those
who feel alone in their messy homes or
difficult relationships or unresolved 
issues. To impress less and connect 
more. To share one simple message:
Same. Same, same, same.

I Shared Because You Shared

You shared a piece of yourself and I saw
myself in it, a piece I had buried once when 
I thought it was unbecoming. I left it there, 
locked away and out of sight and nearly
forgot it was there. I thought it was ugly, awful, 
awkward at best, but the way you shared made 
me wonder if I had been wrong. It didn’t all 
at once look different but I noticed a softness 
I hadn’t before. For the first time I wondered 
if it wasn’t something that needed to be hidden. 
For the first time, I thought that maybe I could 
share it too. 

You’re not enough, but there is enough. And it’s likely out there, in the form of other human beings. It feels risky, and it is a little risky, as is the nature of relationship. But it’s also ripe with potential for purpose and meaning, transformation, healing, and joy. And you deserve to have every bit of that.

References

Burney, J., & Irwin, H. J. (2000). Shame and guilt in women with eating-disorder symptomatology. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 56(1), 51–61.

Jordan, J. V. (2001). A relational-cultural model: Healing through mutual empathy. Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, 65(1: Special issue), 92.

Maine, M. (2001). Altering women’s relationships with food: A relational, developmental approach. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 57(11), 1301–1310.

Miller, J. B. (1988). Connections, disconnections, and violations (Work in Progress No. 33). Wellesley, MA: Stone Center Working Paper Series.

Tantillo, M. (2006). A relational approach to eating disorders multifamily therapy group: Moving from difference and disconnection to mutual connection. Families, Systems, & Health, 24(1), 82–102.

Tantillo, M., & Sanftner, J. L. (2010). Measuring perceived mutuality in women with eating disorders: the development of the connection-disconnection scale. Journal of Nursing Measurement, 18(2), 100–119.